Ir-RATional...I think not!

I might have mentioned previously (in passing) that I have issues. Just a few, small, insignificant in the scope of life, issues. I'm claustrophobic, I'm scared of heights, grease mixed with open flames makes me sweat profusely and hyperventilate. But none of these alone is anything major. And all of these things together don't even begin to equal my top three issues:













1. Rodents






2. Rodents






3. Did I mention RODENTS?!!!













I'm not joking. The issue is so all consuming that LEGALLY it has to take the top three spots on my issues list. There is too much fear to fit in one single numerical space alone. At least that is what the courts ruled. Judge Herrnot N. Saine said so herself before she banged her gavel. So, I rest my case.













That being said, I must disclose something very troubling. Very troubling indeed! There was a RAT outside in my backyard today. It was along side the storage building, by the fence line, which borders my garden. This alarms me on so many different levels I find it hard to put it into words.....but I will!













I went outside at lunchtime to La Poopa Scoop. (Well, not during my lunchtime. That would be disgusting. And not conducive to eating at all. Although it might aide in the continued weight loss...but I digress.) What I mean to say is that while Ricardo was home for his lunch hour, I stepped outside to complete this lovely daily task. When I went towards the side of the storage building where I keep the L.P.S. tools, I saw a shadow. A rather large shadow. It moved. I looked down and there it was. A RAT the size of a small Chihuahua in my yard! It had scurried under the fence between our yard and our neighbors. It was running towards our storage building.













I froze. My fear (you know, the legally all consuming one...) is so great, that if I see a rodent I just about lose all bodily function. My body goes boneless. I can't even whimper. I just stand there with clammy hands and try to become invisible. (You know like "Burt" off of the old 70's show "SOAP". Except I don't snap my fingers like he did...that would require movement....but again I digress.) And sometimes...a little bit of piddle almost comes out!...but just almost.













Anyway...While I was standing there, being invisible, trying to remember to breathe, this RODENT the size of a badger stopped running. He paused and LOOKED RIGHT AT ME!!! And I promise you he raised one eyebrow!!!! HE DID!!! As if to challenge me!!! I swear to you he was saying: "Care to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?!" No, I'm serious! This was one brazen bad gluteous maximus rat!!! What is even more disturbing (as if it could get anymore disturbing!)...is it was DAYLIGHT! Rodents are SUPPOSED to be nocturnal animals, pests, rodents...whatever!!! But this one isn't!!! Do you see my point?! It is either one ballzy rodent, OR it is rabid....OR both!!! Then, after starring me into submission, it went under our storage building. (And trust me, we are not getting any rent money; so it better not be living there!!!)













After it disappeared, (and my bones inhabited my body once more) I went to get Ricardo. I walked backwards as quickly as I could into the house. . .NEVER turn your back on a rabid rodent with Napoleon syndrome!!! Anyway, Ricardo came out. He too saw the rodent in question. He too agreed it is large. Maye the size of a pot bellied pig. Then he proceeded to calmly walk back into the house and eat lunch. He left me out there to L.P.S by myself! Do you even believe it?!!! (Okay, so all the dogs were out there with me...) But still, that rodent could have run out, jumped on anyone of us, ripped out our jugular vein and killed us before anyone even noticed! I was so freakin' nervous. Here I am Poop Scoopin and I'm scared sh*%less! (Alanis Morrisette would have appreciated the irony I bet!)













In an ideal world there would be no rodents. But this isn't an ideal world. I must be RATional. We can't have a cat. (Blue eyes has allergies.) I would be fine with hiring a wild outdoor cat, but how do you make them stay in your yard until the job is done? And what kind of cat do you hire to kill a rodent that is the size of a small water buffalo...a cougar perhaps?! I WANT to move. But that isn't RATional according to Ricardo. And I guess he's right. You can't run away from this situation....although it is tempting. But I figure I would be winded before I ran very far anyway. Ricardo said he will buy a trap tonight. But rat traps are large. You worry about traps and other unsuspecting animals . So we reached a compromise. We are going to buy several of those stickey traps.













I hope they work. I hope we get the mutant rat bastard!!! And I'm going to leave his evil, arched browed, gigantic rotting carcus out there to serve as a warning for any other rodent who even THINKS of crossing over onto our property! Because I CANNOT live in fear of going out into my own yard, in broad daylight...THAT would be one issue to many...even for me!!!