Ima Jo King-Special V.D.Edition

Welcome to Friday everyone! How has the week been treating you? Speaking of treating people, many of you may not know that I'm a marriage counsler. Yessirree Bobbie! I finally saved up enough cereal boxtops to mail in one day and get my certificate. Trust me, some married people are real Fruit Loops; while other couples have so much chemistry they snap, crackle, and pop. That's how I met Stacy and her husband Ricardo you know. They're patients of mine as well as friends....oh the (2) scoop(s) I could dish on them. ha!! But I won't...wouldn't be ethical....unless I changed their names first. (wink, wink)

Anyhoo... I was thinking to myself, "Valentines Day is tomorrow. Ima, you should really do a posting about love." Then I thought, "What do I know about love- I deal with married couples!!" Hee -hee! (Oh I got a million more where that came from!) Instead, here are some excerpts from some of my patients sessions. I took out all the names so I won't have Kelloggs "raisin" hell, calling me a "flake" and wanting their certificate back. :)

Remember as you read these excerpts, that marriage is just like a bran cereal. Somedays it'll be bland and hard to choke down, and then there will always be some sh*% that follows...but that's regular..... er, wait.... never mind that analogy.

What I mean to say is, marriage is like saying there is no other person I would rather fight with. And here are some of the fights I've had to referee...

***********
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ..
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....


Have a great weekend everyone!!! If you need advice on marriage...or about love (wink, wink) let me know. I'm certifiable...I mean, I've got a certificate that enables me to serve up some wholesome advice (alongside 17 vitamins and minerals). In the meantime, remember...

If you can't be a good example...be a horrible warning to others!!!

Ima Jo King
Marriage Counselor/Cereal Consumer