Friday, February 27, 2009

Ima Jo King-More than just a Trophy Wife!

Seems during these tough economic times, many women find themselves looking for work or going back to work after years of being a stay at home mom, etc. Me myself, I'm a trophy wife. (Okay, so "technically" it's more like honorable mention; but, the point is -even a Cracker Jack prize is still a prize!!!) Anyhow, I too would like to earn a little extra income if possible. But what?!!



Well, you know me. I'm helpful. I'm resourceful. I think I have found the perfect job for fellow married women (or once married women) out there needing some extra income. This was sent to me by a friend of a friend of a cousin twice removed and then reinstated. (Don't ask!) Anyone needing work, please see the below job description as well as what is expected during the interviewing process. Good luck to you all!!! Oh yeah, even if your not looking for work, but just needing a laugh.... You know Ima wouldn't disappoint you, keep reading!!!




FBI NOW SEEKING APPLICANTS!!!!



The FBI has an opening for assassins. After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, the bureau called back these 3 finalists ; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair ...kill her!!



'The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home. "



'The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."



'Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband.



She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet.



The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the friggin chair.'



She got the job!!! I think those good ol' boys were too scared to tell her no! Just goes to show, if you want a job done right the first time-Give it to a woman!!!



Have a great weekend everyone. As always, if you can't be a good example...be a horrible warning to others!!!



Ima Jo King, FBI Agent in Training

Thursday, February 26, 2009

MY FAVORITE THINGS TODAY-COURTESY OF MOTHER NATURE

Oh what a beautiful moooorning.....Ohhhhh what a beee-u-t-ful daaaaaayyyy! I tell ya it's the little things in life that will sometimes get you through the day. Take for instance, the first signs of spring. Notice the budding/blooming of this Bradford Pear tree: It means spring is coming-and right soon! Yeah!!! Course, it also means we'll probably have one more really harsh freeze since everything is starting to bloom so nice and pretty. But as Scarlett says..."I'll worry about that another day!"


Here's another of the "BPtree"-just love the bark on this tree. I also love how the branches look so big and strong, while the buds and leaves are so tiny and delicate at the same time. Nature's own little oxymoron.



And I must thank nature for cooperating with me today, by giving me this wonderful backdrop on my BPtree photos. Look at this sky will ya?! So crisp, clear, with the big billowy clouds. Gorgeous!!!


Speaking of things that are gorgeous:




Okay, so it's not there...yet! But LOOK there are LEAVES coming back on my rose bushes!!!





Even THIS one!!! I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see these little guys trying so hard to "spring" back to life for me!!! I love you too sweet little rose bushes! Roses, another oxymoron. How can something so delicate as a rose be so tough and hardy?! I shan't question it...I shall just enjoy and marvel in it.


This last photo, is for little brown eyes. THIS one makes him happy. He loves lizards. And he's been waiting patiently all winter to see these little guys again.






Hello sweet little lizard!!! Hello Spring!!! Hello roses and blooming trees!!!! We missed you ALL so very, very much!!!







Tuesday, February 24, 2009

New Shoes and Heartache

I never thought a new pair of shoes would make my heart ache. A new pair of shoes is great! It's a happy, wonderful thing! Except....when you are buying new shoes for your : Rapidly growing eldest son. Then it is a little heartwrenching. Then you get all misty eyed because your little baby is growing up....into a MAN!!! That once little foot that you held and played "this little piggy with" is now THIS:

A size 8 MAN'S shoe!!!!! I'm not joking! My 12 year old has had a bit of a growth spurt lately. He's getting taller, broader through the shoulders and his widdle biddy feet are, well... not so iddy biddy anymore! Oh my heart!!!


Son, get your weeping mom a tissue will you?! And while your at it....promise me you won't grow up too fast...and that you'll stay my sweet little blue-eyed boy forever and ever, and ever....



Alright, so I can't stop him from growing up too quickly. And he won't be my little boy forever. I do realize he will one day soon be a man. But....I have a feeling, he'll always be sweet!!! And THAT makes my heart stop aching and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I love you sweet boy...um, sweet little man....enjoy the new shoes!!! (I have a feeling we'll be needing another new size before you know it!)




Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ella's Hobby Exposed

I believe Confuscious say... "Mastiff pup at play, wreak havoc on yard every day!" Let me show you what I mean....




Ella likes to dig for rocks around the foundation. Apparently, they are very yummy!







But Ella's not just a digger. Oohhhh Nooooo! She's a landscaper as well! She has become fascinated with finding sprinkler heads! Finds them, digs them up, runs around with the sprinkler head hanging out of her jowls. Or she will discard the sprinkler head somewhere, then, you don't know it's missing- until there is a geyser shooting straight up in your yard during watering time. Lovely! I don't believe she has ever been to plumbing school. I don't believe she should be rerouting sprinkler lines!




Which would mean she is also not qualified to reinstall or remove our french drain system! Ella....you....are....NOT....licensed....to...do....outdoor watering systems!!! Repeat: NOT Qualified!!!


But that is not all Ella enjoys my friends, no...that is not all! Ella has also found a love for roses! (Which is ironic, because I thought about naming her Rosebud...) But she doesn't stop to smell the roses....she stops to EAT them!



Doesn't matter the variety...or um, flavor of the rose....it must be devoured. And when she has reached the rootball of the rose.....





Then she feels compelled to dig it up.








I can only assume she wants to relocate the above rose bush here.






Obviously, I didn't plant this one in the right space either. It too apparently must need to be relocated!







I'm guessing just a foot or two to the right?


I trimmed back what remained of all my rose bushes this weekend. I placed the trimmings that would not fit in the trashcan on the other side of this fence:

In less than five minutes, she started to dig to retrieve the trimmings. "Ella! You are not a RETRIEVER You are a MASTIFF! You are not a licensed plumber or landscaper either! I appreciate your help lovey...but PLEASE STOP!!!!" Mommy's yard is becoming very ugly!


Now, many of you are probably wondering: "Why doesn't she have a separate yard for the dogs? Why not have a.... what's the word...dogrun? Yes, why doesn't she get a dogrun? And what about training, as well as spay & neutering etc."
"
Well, those are all valid questions my friends. The answers are as follows: I agree, a separate yard would be a great idea. Why a dogrun, would be genious! Infact, I did have one once upon a time. But, before we got the pups...It was reclaimed. ...It was renamed... It became....



Well, it became what is now known by Captain Ricardo- as "The boat slip." If you think Ella can dig, you should see Ricardo dig his heels in about his new found space!!! ... What's a girl to do I ask you? And Yes! I've had Ricardo neutered. So far it's kept him from roaming, but not made him the least bit more trainable!! Okay, so now back to Ella...
I'm not rolling over and playing dead on this. We have been advised to place chicken wire down on the ground, stake it, cover it with dirt and mulch. When the dogs go to dig, their toenails hit the wire and they stop digging. It is much like fingernails on a chalkboard, doesn't hurt you; but, neither is it a pleasant sensation. So this weekend we will be buying chicken wire. " Lots and lots of chicken wire!!!" (Name that movie line...)
I'll tell ya, Puppy ownership is not for the faint of heart. There's alot of sh** to work through, but this too shall pass....(much like Ella digesting my landscaping. Ha ha ha!!! Ahem...sorry about that.) But,I for one predict that we WILL work through this stage... and when we do...well, everything will be coming up roses!!!


























Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Ella's Outdoor Hobby

For those of you who don't know it, I have 4 dogs. Yes...4! I love all my dogs. Each and every one brings something unique and wonderful to the mix. But, that being said...I must say....Sweet Ella is my absolute, hands down, all time favorite. Is that wrong? Are you not supposed to have a favorite dog? It may be wrong, but I can't help it! This....um, little(?) girl has stolen my heart! She captured it from the moment I first laid eyes on her, and she won't let go! To know her is to love her. In fact, she's everyone's favorite. She's like the most popular girl in school....except she's nice. HaaaaaaaHaaaaa! (Sorry, obviously a past issue rearing it's ugly head....)
She's still a puppy, so she has a lot of growing yet to do. There is still a lot of puppy phase to grow through as well. We made it through the potty training phase, we made it through the teething phase, now we have entered the rambunctious phase. We went through this phase with Harlow as well. But Ella, Have mercy! I have TRIED to prepare for this phase and keep her entertained while she is outdoors. "Ella, go get your toy..."

Ella: "Let me go find it...Do you mean THIS one?"

"Yes, Ella! Would you like to play with your Kong stuffed with peanut butter?"
Ella: "No thanks!"
"Okay, Ella. How about your tire toy or the football you confiscated from the boys?"

Ella: "Oh, you mean those old toys....no thank you."


"Hmmmm. How about the tennis ball? Do you want to play fetch?"





Ella: "That ol' thing. No. Been there. Done that."





"Alright, let's see....how about the basketball you confiscated from the boys as well. You like to run around with that in your mouth. Does that sound like fun?!"
Ella: " No. I've grown weary of all the ball sports. They are all soooooo last season"
"Well, sweet Ella girl, WHAT would you like to do? What would make your outdoor time more fun than a barrel of monkeys?"

Jodi: "Tune in tomorrow folks to see what that crazy pup has done now! I can't believe my eyes! I've seen a lot in 13 years, but NOTHING has prepared me for THIS!"





















Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Beta Fish $3.99...Joy to my boy...PRICELESS!!!

We had an absolutely wonderful Valentine's Day! As I mentioned before, it started with Krispy Kreme and just kept going from there. We had a lovely lunch out. We partook of a Catfish and Shrimp buffet....yuuummmm! Then, we went window shopping at Home Depot and Lowes-two of my all time favorite stores. We also stopped by Petco to pick up some essential items. There was one item that was not on the list, but ended up being essential. Essential to one little boy's well being. I'm talking (of course) about the infamous Beta Fish in a cup. Yep, brown eyes just had to have one.

Now Big Brother, (Blue-eyes) has a Beta fish in a tank, in his room. He has had his fish for years. Brown-eyes had always been content to just look at it and then go on about his day...until recently. Recently, we have been reading "The Cat in the Hat" book every night at bed time. He loves, loves, loves this book. (Who doesn't?!! It's a classic...but I digress.) Since the nightly readings of Dr. Seuss started, he has wanted his own fish...in a bowl...or in a teapot...but mainly just his OWN fish to carry around.



So, on Saturday, when those sweet brown eyes looked up at all of us and he said, "I could get THIS fish....in a bowl." We caved. And I'm glad we did. Take a look at what has been going on around here for the past 3 days now:



In the mornings, I have to transfer the Beta from his tank into his "holding bowl." Then brown-eyes commences to carry him around EVERYWHERE!


Hello Brown Eyes!!!.... Be still my heart!... Could he BE any sweeter?!



He has named the fish, "Smoothie" by the way. And "Smoothie, sure is a good fish!"




He eats with us at breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can't tell you how pleasant it is to have a fish join in on the dinner conversation! Mostly the conversations go like this...


Brown-eyes: "Do you love the fish?"

Everyone: "Yes, we love the fish!"

Brown-eyes: "Smoothie sure is a good fish!"

Everyone: (Nodding enthusiastically) "Yes! He sure is!"

Brown-eyes: "Do you love Smoothie?"

Everyone: "Yes, we LOVE Smoothie!!!"

Brown- eyes: "Yep! He sure is a good fish!!!"


Repeat, repeat, improvise, repeat....





But Smoothie is not just a dinner companion, Ohhhh NOOOO! He likes to watch television as well. So far, his favorite shows are Blues Clues and Backyardigans. Yep, Smoothie just loves Nick Jr!






Sometimes, Smoothie likes to join brown-eyes in a snack. His favorite...M&M's (of course).







Maybe because the colors are so much like Smoothie's own colors?








Then, at the end of the day; it's time for beddy-bye. We transfer Smoothie back into his tank. We turn on his nightlight, and he gets some much needed rest. (All that traveling around can sure wear a fish out!) I bet he's seen more in the past 3 days than he ever did during his ENTIRE life at Petco. And I GUARANTEE he's experienced more love in the past 3 days than during ANY other time in his life! Yep, Smoothie sure is a good fish! And we sure do love him!!!









Monday, February 16, 2009

Ice Cream...I Scream!!!

I went grocery shopping Saturday morning. We had a lot planned for the day, so I hurried through the store. Got everything we needed, paid, loaded it up, and was out in less than an hour. I never gave another thought about my purchases until last night, when I "made dessert." I got out the cones and ice cream and hollered "who wants ice cream?!" As I opened the box, I screamed again. Notice anything strange about these cones.....anything?....anything at all?
Apparently, this is the cone of choice for serving up ice cream to little pixie fairies, weeble wobbles, or fisher price play people.

I wonder, WHY would you even make cones this small?! I know they don't look that small in the package, but LOOK....


Okay, so I know my hands are freakishly large man hands....but STILL!



In the words of Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler..."Really?!! REALLY?!!" You have no idea how hard it was to serve up ice cream in these little babies without cracking the cone....or my skull. But I was NOT going to let a little thing like cones (or just plain little cones) ruin our family dessert.




While some found it amusing to eat such little cones....let alone soooo many cones at one setting....OTHER folks....Well, they wondered:


"YOU are responsible for my food, safety, education and making sure I become a well adjusted adult....REALLY?!!!"






Saturday, February 14, 2009

True Love Indeed

I think I might have mentioned in passing that I'm rather fond of Krispy Kreme. Okay, I might have even wrote a love poem while under the sugary, frosted, sweet influence of the afore mentioned Krispy Kreme. So let's just suppose for a moment that I love, love, love the Krispy Kreme Doughnut. (Guilty as charged.) And let's just say, I didn't think Krispy Kreme could get any better. Boy was I wrong!!! I may have loved Krispy Kreme before, but now...well, let's just say that they have my love and undying admiration! They took something so wonderful and made it absolutely perfect! When I awoke this morning, Ricardo had breakfast waiting for his family. (He's such a great hunter/gatherer!!) Look at our lovely breakfast surprise:



Could they BE any cuter?!!!?!!! I think not! I laughed out loud! I was giddy with excitement! They were ALMOST too cute to eat...but just almost. I don't know who thought of this idea, but they deserve a Nobel Prize; or at minimum, a substantial raise! HA! A doughnut raise...get it doughnuts, raise....oh never mind. ( You'll have to forgive me, I'm still experiencing the effects of my sugar, chocolate fix.) I'm so in love with this little heart shaped delicacy. This little sweet perfection in a box.


Alas, they don't make the heart shaped doughnut everyday.....only on Valentine's Day. This saddens me more than just a little. But as you can see from above...I've experienced heart break before. :)



Friday, February 13, 2009

Ima Jo King-Special V.D.Edition

Welcome to Friday everyone! How has the week been treating you? Speaking of treating people, many of you may not know that I'm a marriage counsler. Yessirree Bobbie! I finally saved up enough cereal boxtops to mail in one day and get my certificate. Trust me, some married people are real Fruit Loops; while other couples have so much chemistry they snap, crackle, and pop. That's how I met Stacy and her husband Ricardo you know. They're patients of mine as well as friends....oh the (2) scoop(s) I could dish on them. ha!! But I won't...wouldn't be ethical....unless I changed their names first. (wink, wink)

Anyhoo... I was thinking to myself, "Valentines Day is tomorrow. Ima, you should really do a posting about love." Then I thought, "What do I know about love- I deal with married couples!!" Hee -hee! (Oh I got a million more where that came from!) Instead, here are some excerpts from some of my patients sessions. I took out all the names so I won't have Kelloggs "raisin" hell, calling me a "flake" and wanting their certificate back. :)

Remember as you read these excerpts, that marriage is just like a bran cereal. Somedays it'll be bland and hard to choke down, and then there will always be some sh*% that follows...but that's regular..... er, wait.... never mind that analogy.

What I mean to say is, marriage is like saying there is no other person I would rather fight with. And here are some of the fights I've had to referee...

***********
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ..
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....


Have a great weekend everyone!!! If you need advice on marriage...or about love (wink, wink) let me know. I'm certifiable...I mean, I've got a certificate that enables me to serve up some wholesome advice (alongside 17 vitamins and minerals). In the meantime, remember...

If you can't be a good example...be a horrible warning to others!!!

Ima Jo King
Marriage Counselor/Cereal Consumer

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Past 8 days just FLU by

Sorry the posts have been irregular this past week. The flu has invaded our humble home. First Blue-eyes, then brown eyes got struck. It's a particularly nasty little bug. This one has a real attitude indeed. First it hits your tummy, then it migrates south. UGH!

Needless to say, everything has been a little out of sync. No regular eating times, sleep times, school time, etc. Today is the first day in 8 days that we have even been out of the house. It felt absolutely wonderful!!!! So thankful the boys are doing well again! As any mom will tell you, there is nothing worse than your little ones being sick!

I am now trying to play catch-up once again on household chores, etc...I'm a little swamped at the moment. I will be back to regular posts next week. That is a promise...or threat depending on whether you like my blog or not. ha!

Luckily, Ima has been kind enough to volunteer to blog for me this Friday. (She's such a dear!) So please check back then, as I'm sure she will have something interesting to talk about-she always does!!

Have a great week everyone!!! Take care of you...watch out for the flu!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Boy and his Dog...

I know I'm totally biased, so I'll just ask you.....
Could this moment BE any cuter??!!!



Friday, February 6, 2009

Ima on Vacation

*The following is an Ima Jo King posting. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Stacy D. Briefing or any of her affiliates.

*The following post is rated PG 17. If you are under 17 do not read the following post.


*The following post is intended for those with a sense of humor. If you are easily offended, or prudish in nature...this is not the post for you.

**If however, you have had a rough week, are in need of a laugh, enjoy tongue in cheek humor, and long to find one individual whom you are indeed morally superior to...this is indeed the posting for you!!! Enjoy!



Howdy!!! Did you miss me last week? Absense makes the heart grow fonder you know. "Ima" gonna make you love me yet...just you wait and see! So last week, you may have wondered, "Where in the world is Ima?!" Well, let me tell you. I was on vacation. Shoot! I'm filling in for Stacy almost every Friday, I deserve a break now and then. Want to know where I went? What a vacation spot this was! Although, trust me...DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!!!



Many of you may think that a vacation spot like Dick Lick Springs wouldn't have fine dining cuisine. Well now, you would be wrong. Check out the local hot spot:

I'd never tried sushi before. But posted in the window it said "For a most memorable experience, fuk mi!" If you know Ima, you know I'm all about memorable experiences!


I was also lucky enough to get in a little fishing while on vacation. You know the old saying, a bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work (or blogging). I was lucky enough to find this local shop by the lake:


Wonder if they supply the seafood for the sushi place? I certainly hope not! Fuk-mi and Master-Baiter have no business doing business with each other...or do they?! I'm confused.


When in Dick Lick Springs, I highly recommend this local inn! It really hit the spot...



I didn't stay long. Just a one night stand so to speak; but I'll always remember Big Dicks fondly. In fact, if anyone should ever ask me, I'll tell them: "For a satisfying experience, try Big Dicks Halfway Inn! . Locals told me it's mostly repeat customers. They should put that on the brochure! "Big Dicks Halfway Inn where folks come again and again!"Maybe I should call and suggest it?!


Hope you enjoyed these vacation photos! I really gotta travel this beautiful country of ours more often. Hey! If you have a vacation spot you recommend, let me know. Maybe I'll blog about it in the future. Til then...Remember! If you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning to others!


Yours Truly,

Ima Jo King